In My Season of Slowing Down: On Missed Moments and Learning to Begin Again

“There comes a moment when the heart whispers, ‘Begin again.’ And this time, we listen.”

Photo by melanfolia 

The fall season consistently offers a peaceful stillness, a slowdown that invites me to sit quietly with myself, honestly and gently, without feeling the need to justify or make excuses.

Recently, I’ve been revisiting memories, letting them come and go like leaves drifting down. As the year gradually comes to an end and 2026 looms ahead, I've been reflecting on my past self and who I am becoming. Turning 30 next year, I find the number both gentle and meaningful, almost like a threshold.

A gentle feeling emerged in that moment of reflection.

Many moments in my twenties I didn’t seize, waiting instead for the “right” time, the “right” amount of money, the "right” support, or the perfect person to join me so I wouldn’t have to face it alone.

I held myself back from truly living because I was afraid to do so alone.

There were beautiful memories, and I am truly grateful for the love, laughter, and small pleasures that sustained me. However, during my journey, I noticed my dreams started to diminish and I no longer pursued them with the same passion. I doubted myself so much that I lost confidence in my own voice. My inner fire faded as I waited for approval to shine.

Recently, I experienced a similar emotion when my cousin traveled to Bali for a self-love retreat, which I had dreamed of and planned for years. I felt genuine happiness for her, but a subtle sadness also arose. It reminded me of when I invited her myself, but then talked myself out of going. I believed I wasn’t financially stable enough, lacked support, and didn’t feel secure enough. Because I didn’t want to go alone, I chose not to attend.

I now see that I've been holding my life hostage, waiting for others to take the steps I should take myself.

I’ve often felt hesitant to enter rooms by myself, worried about relying on others' validation. I was also afraid to pursue my big dreams because others told me they were too ambitious, too impractical, or too delicate to withstand the challenges of the real world.

But the reality is:
This is my life, my dreams, and no one else is accountable for living them but me.

I've often remembered my college advisor's words: 'Life is not a race. It's a marathon.' We all progress at our own speeds and follow our unique journeys. Comparing ourselves to others only distracts us from recognizing the beauty unfolding within us.

My mother’s voice echoes beside me: 'You can do anything you set your mind to.’

As I approach 30, I am making different choices.

I am deciding to cease waiting for the “perfect moment.' I am reaffirming my trust in myself. I choose to live courageously, even if it means walking alone at times. I believe again in the girl who once dreamed wholeheartedly before she learned to fear.

There are still numerous places I wish to visit, numerous experiences I yearn for, and many aspects of myself I have yet to discover.

I want to meet the proud version of myself who never gave up and believed her dreams were worth pursuing.

Fall is a time for releasing what no longer serves us. Winter offers a period of rest and renewal. Spring embodies rebirth and new beginnings.

I find myself between releasing and becoming.

But I can sense myself coming back.

Piece by piece.
Breath by breath.
Step by brave step.

Always dreaming,
Deja 🤍